After God made man he put him to a deep sleep; from his side, he took a rib with which he made woman – a help mate, a partner and a companion. He had made woman from man's side for a reason. God the almighty architect and infinite creator; the all knowing Alpha and Omega knew what he was doing when he chose to take a bone from man's side. He could have chosen to take a bone from his head or from his feet. But no. He took a bone from his side so woman would be man's equal. Man's complementary part. Man's other half. God did not take a bone from his head so woman would be over --or above – him. Neither did he take a bone from his feet so she would be under – or beneath – him. Woman was strategically made – by God – to be man's better half. Not man's master to lord over him, or man's slave to be trampled on.
These days people get married for multifarious reasons; some obvious, others completely unfathomable. Men and women enter all kinds of relationships for diverse reasons; some selfless, others selfish. Many people believe the most used word in the English Language is the three letter word: 'the', a preposition. I disagree with that belief. In my opinion, the most used word; albeit erroneously, is 'love', a noun, and a verb. That is, in fact, the most confused and overused term, or concept, in human history. Marriages are contracted and dissolved as easily as taking a shower. People get married in the morning and by noon they are divorced. And you ask yourself, why in the world did they get married in the first place? Was it worth it? The turmoil, the hardship, the pain and the embarrassment; especially for the unfortunate children of these ‘badly’ broken marriages – if there are any. Why would two consenting adults willingly enter an agreement to spend the rest of their lives together, and in no time renege on their commitment to the vows they openly take, or make, in front of their families and the whole world? Why? What is the driving force behind the high rate of divorces around the world? Is marriage a curse or a blessing? If it causes so much ache, why bother at all? Why subject yourself to such ridicule and psychological torture? Is it worth all the trouble? Why go through so much for nothing? The questions can go on and on, ad infinitum. Every adult man and woman, single, married, planning to be married, or not married, et al, is concerned about this fearsome institution. People always think about these burning, pertinent, questions. Parents get jittery when their children reach that age. Young adults develop some sort of phobia when you bring up the subject of marriage to their attention. Some people are so fazed by the whole thing that they choose to remain single all their lives. But should people do that? Should marriage be such a huge burden? Is it a curse or a blessing? But if God ordained it for his children then it must be good. It must be a blessing. God does not give anything bad. There are no half measures with God. He gives perfect gifts to his children. Not gifts with sorrow, tears and blood. If God ordained marriage, and it is a gift from Him, then what is wrong with the marriages today? Is there something we are doing wrong? Have we deviated from the original tenets of the marriage God designed for us? Perhaps we have, just like we deviated from all his other tenets. Maybe that is why there is so much marital tribulation today.
In those days in Africa, parents arranged marriages for their children. Two families will marry off their children even when the children in question had not met at all. Funny? Yes. But over ninety-five percent of those marriages worked. Ninety-five percent of such unions lasted till death did them apart. Today, even when two adults have dated, and been in a relationship for many years, they get married and still have all kinds of problems that result in a break up. A break up that can be really nasty and mind boggling. Some break ups have resulted in deaths, others have resulted in everlasting enmity. And you ask yourself, weren't these two supposedly happily married only a few months ago. What magic has turned their love into the overwhelming mutual hate? I mean the kind of hatred that make them ready to kill each other without thinking, without blinking an eyelid; the acme of hate. They suddenly want the other party to suffer as much as possible. They were in a long term relationship before marriage, a relationship that should have afforded them the privilege to know one another before the final plunge; a relationship that should have been the platform, or the basis, for the final plunge. But the marriage still breaks down even when the couple had known each other a long time. Then you wonder if it makes any sense when people say it is better for folks to know themselves first before they get married. The truth is, in my opinion, it does not matter how much time you have known the other person for a marriage with him or her to work. It is way beyond time. No doubt time is important, but it is not exactly everything. There are obviously a lot more important things. Many other requirements are necessary for a marriage to work. Simple things that many people take for granted can make or mar a relationship, or a marriage for that matter. Basic and fundamental things like truth, honesty, respect, accommodation, compromise etc, if you ask me; are a lot more important than how much time you have known the other person. Altruism is by far more important than length of time in any relationship. If you were born in the same hospital with some guy and you grow up together, attend the same schools and the same church, or temple, or mosque, for donkey years and you start a relationship it still may not work if there is no mutual respect for each other. Been around people all your life does not really make you know them. You can not really know any one that does not want you to know him or her. Most people project certain images of themselves, to different people, for different reasons, under different circumstances. Different situations bring out different attributes of people. You may have heard people say things like 'oh I never thought he could do that', 'I have lived with her for decades, she never remotely behaved like that', 'ah it is unbelievable, he could not possibly do a thing like that, I know him well' etc. People are shocked out of their wits on a daily basis when they hear things about certain people they believed they knew. You can never truly know any one, believe me. Not your father, or mother, or brother, or sister, or any one. No one! Not one person can you truly, completely, absolutely, know. As a matter of fact, many people do not even know themselves well enough. You will hear them say, 'I never thought I could do that, I don't know where the strength came from'. So many people go through life putting up different acts and attitudes that in the final analysis they forget who they truly are. They get confused by the maze of diverse behavior that makes up their life. They don't know who they are any more. And if you do not know yourself well enough, how would you then know what you want, or who you want to spend the remainder of your life with? Big question! Man, know thyself! That is the first thing to do. You must first know yourself. You must first take out the log in your eye so you can see well enough to be able to take out the lint in your partner's eye.
Please ask yourself this really simple question: Do I really know myself well? Do I know what I want? Or who I want to spend the remainder of my life with? Just go to a grocery store in your neighborhood and spend only thirty minutes observing the customers. You will be shocked at how confused a lot of people really are. You see them going round and round, picking up and dropping the same item over and over again. This is just a simple task of shopping for food, or other culinary item, and yet people are that confused, how about a complex task like choosing a life partner? Folks, your guess are as good as mine. Most people do not know what they want from life or from the people they meet and know. They just go through life, living everyday as it comes, a simple uncomplicated way to live, no doubt. But how far would you go like that? What plans, or goals, can you possibly achieve that way? The truth is there is nothing simple about being a human being. From conception, to birth, to childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood, is one long complicated journey. There is nothing anywhere near simple in man's existence. If you know anything simple about man, please let me know. Our lives are complicated from whatever angle you chose to see it from. Why, therefore, would you think the merging of two lives, a man and a woman, or a woman and a woman, or perhaps a man and a man; would be anything short of complicated? Marriage is indeed the most complex institution in the history, and life, of man. A workable, long-lasting, in fact, endless marriage is possible. But there can never be anything near a perfect marriage. Is marriage a curse or a blessing? This is relative! It depends on what part of the fence you are standing. To some it would be a curse, but to others it would no doubt be a blessing. Many countless marriages are contracted every day, and many innumerable divorces are granted every day, it all depends on what you want. And still there are a lot of people that will never get married as a matter of choice. A wise man said, 'You lie on your bed the way you make it'. This is true. Your marriage is like that too in a sense. What you put in, is what you get out. Now this is true for both parties involved. The onus is not on only one person at all. If the marriage works it is to the credit of the team, the man and the woman, or the same sex couple, as the case may be; and if it fails, it is the shame of both of them as well. A marriage is like a ‘two’ way traffic, cars come from both sides of the road. And if at any time the volume of cars increase on one side, there should be some means of preventing a jam. Cars can be routed through the other side tactfully to maintain a constant flow. That is how a marriage works. By compromise! Examples are being there for the other person during trying times, and being a pillar of strength when the other person is weak. Selflessness! A wise man wrote a song with the line 'lean on me when you are not strong'. But how many people would really be there in those terrible debilitating times? Most people opt out for divorce in those situations. They prefer to go their own way when what the other person really needs at that crucial, material, time is a shoulder to lean on, a pillar to draw strength from.
This little piece, written by my humble self, would not claim to be the magic marriages need to work. But it is an attempt at demystifying the overwhelming fear, if you may; of marriage. 'Marriage-phobia' does exist among us. It is a means to an end, a contribution toward the concerted effort by all and sundry to unravel the mystery of marriage. We need to realize the problems associated with marriages, the ‘whys’, ‘hows’ and ‘ifs’ that cripple this supposedly divinely ordained institution. The society would after all be a better place if there are not so many broken homes. Children will be better raised for one. There is an African saying that goes something like this: 'if those who are prayed for everyday do not turn out well, what would you expect from those that are cursed?' This means that if a child raised by both parents does not necessarily turn out well, what would you expect from a child raised by a single parent? It is obvious from statistical ratios that children from broken homes usually have emotional problems. They usually have trouble adjusting adequately. And maladjustment results in deviant attributes, and behavior. An increase in the number of working and respectable marriages is, and always would be, directly proportional to an increase in the number of well adjusted individuals in the society. This is because of the fact that apart from the negative effects of broken marriages on children, the man and the woman who suffers a broken marriage is also prone to suffer some untoward difficulty; which would both negate and pulverize their mental and physical capacity, that would invariably reduce their productive potential and inadvertently have adverse effect on the society in the long run. The family, as postulated by social scientists, is the smallest unit of our society. It is the platform, or forum, where we all first learn the rudiments of civil, or social, existence. It is every one's most primary, or basic, form of education, or school. The importance of the family in the life of a human being can not be overemphasized. Even lower animals have a sense, or semblance, of family structure. It is a paramount factor in our lives as a people. You can imagine, therefore, what amount of devastation an absence of the family can have on the life of a child. The role of the family in the adjustment, well-adjustment, of a child, should, and must, not be compromised. But several married couples get divorced in a split second without batting an eyelid, without any consideration whatever about their child's, or children's, welfare. It is not enough to provide food and shelter for children. What about their mental, psychological and spiritual well being? Certain people would say 'oh the child will be fine with a foster or step parent'. If you ask me, I would say that is balderdash! How many children really, and truly, derive any joy and satisfaction from a step parent? Is there a truly selfless step parent? Is there really a step parent with no deep-seated ill feeling towards a child that is not theirs? Most step parents, to be honest, would rather not have to contend with children that are not theirs. We have all heard countless tales of abusive step parents. The wanton physical, mental, and at times sexual abuse, cum maltreatment of children by some horrible minded step parent is wide spread and mind boggling.
Some separated or divorced persons would tell you, 'oh, I feel so happy since my separation or divorce. I wonder how I ever lived with him/her for that long'. Is this really true? Do you ask them when this self delusion would end? Do they tell you how many nights they cry themselves to sleep? Perhaps not. But I am not saying, 'stay married if there are irreparable differences'. No. Far from it! What I am saying is, are some of those differences not your fault? Couldn't you have prevented the mishap in the first place? All the ensuing pain and heartache could have been avoided if both parties had been truthful and honest and not selfish, self-effacing and self-serving. Many single people in the threshold of marriage would say things like, 'he/she has certain traits I am not exactly comfortable with, but I am sure that as soon as we are married and settled he/she would change'. Don't be a fool! Nothing removes the spots of an adult leopard. At the point where you choose to compromise that habit or attitude you are uncomfortable with is the point where you mortgage your happiness. It is the point where you accept to fail in the long run. It is the moment you actually get divorced even before the marriage is contracted. Whatever divorce you get afterwards, is only a formalization of that crucial decision making moment when you agreed to accept the other person with that bad, uncomfortable, attribute. I am not saying you should marry a flawless partner. There is in fact no one without faults. There is no perfect human being alive! The point is, only marry someone with faults you can live with. Not one with faults you assume will, per chance, disappear after the marriage. Do not expect some miraculous change! People do not change after their formative years. Most habits are actually set in stone, and when you attempt to change those habits set in stone, you break up the person, break up the relationship and break up the marriage. If you choose to pretend about the situation, after a while you will get fed up and want to run away. If the other person is compelled to change, they will pretend to for a while and when they get tired of living a lie; against their will, they will protest and everything will crumble. You see, it is the devil's alternative. Whichever way, the cookie will crumble eventually! My people say, 'do not taste food that you do not eat, believing you will get used to it. If you do not eat it, then you do not eat it'. You would only get sick from something you are allergic to. The Chinese say, 'do not go around a well in circles, jump in at once, for if you go around the well many times you will feel dizzy and fall in eventually'. A wise man said 'you can get away with deceiving other people, but not with deceiving yourself'. Half a word is enough for the wise. Over and out!
Yes we can!
No comments:
Post a Comment